Being a mommy of two for me has been quite a crazy adjustment. I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of it though..kind of. So as a result, I haven't blogged in what seems like forever. Anyway, I really wanted to write about my experience so far as a mommy of two- doing it alone. Hoping that in some way, I might be able to help another mom who is going through something similar.
As the newest member of our little family, Jett has brightened our days and I can't imagine life without him. He is truly a special gift from God. It hasn't been easy having a baby and a toddler while my husband is away working. Let me just say, It's been really hard. The hardest thing I've ever done. But I have come to find that the hardest things in life are usually the best and most rewarding. And so completely worth it. That gives me comfort, and the strength to keep going.
It's been a little over a year since my husband CJ started traveling. My oldest daughter Bryer was 18 months old and I was pregnant with Jett. I just remember being so exhausted all the time from chasing Bryer around since she was just getting to that energetic toddler stage. At 33 weeks I was put on bed rest due to pre term labor contractions so CJ was able to stay home with us throughout the rest of my pregnancy. When Jett was just a couple weeks old he was off on the road again. So there I was, alone with a newborn and an almost two year old. The. Scariest. Time. Ever.
Looking back, that was definitely the most challenging time. It's kind of a blur from being so sleep deprived. Everything was just harder. Trying to do everything and be everything at once with no help, taking care of two babies needs plus my own. Still to this day, being out in public with both of them is a night mare. I remember trying so hard to make it look like I wasn't struggling when I just could not even fake it. I didn't want people to help me and I didn't want them to know I was having a hard time. I thought that since it should have been the happiest time in my life and I had so much to be thankful for, I should have been happy, and I should have had it all together. But I wasn't quite there yet.
I've come a long way since then. I've learned a lot, grown a lot; because of that. So although that time in my life was very difficult, scary, and lonely...it is a blessing to me now. It's still hard, and in some ways harder, but in a different way. I'm more comfortable on my own now, have more confidence, and a positive attitude. I look to heavenly father in all things and I know that he is here with me and that I'm not ever really alone, as I have felt his love and comfort many times in my darkest hours. He is my light and will never leave my side.
Jett is 8 months old now and Bryer is two and a half. Jett is sleeping a lot less and getting around pretty good while Bryer is very active, stubborn, and independent. Oh my word, that girl is a handful, lol. If I leave them alone together in a room for even a second I hear screaming and I have to quickly come pull Bryer off of Jett or Jetts hands out of Bryers hair. Lol, that part has been harder for sure. Getting them to sleep is the next big issue. I try to get Bryer to look at books quietly while I put Jett to sleep but that doesn't always work and they end up keeping each other up until we all just crash. Therefore, I can never count on having time to myself, which is the next biggest issue. From the time we get up to the time they go to sleep I am working non stop. Cooking breakfast, snacks, lunch, naps, activities, dinner, bathes, bedtime routine...by the end of the day I am seriously exhausted. Sometimes I feel like a zombie because I am always tired. I can't remember the last time I got a full nights rest. They both sleep with me because its just easier with CJ being gone. I like to be close to them both. But it does affect my quality of sleep.
I definitely am not a perfect mom; I have my moments- I lose my patience, I make mistakes. But I learn and I try harder, and always improve. The mother I want to strive to be each day is gentle, loving, patient, and prepared. Even though they can drive me crazy at times, and challenge me daily, they teach me. I learn from them just as much as they learn from me. They are my world.
Our plan was for him to travel for a year and then transfer to a stationary position. He is applying for a stationary position right now so we are just hoping and praying that it goes through and we can all be together soon. Having him home for a couple days and then leaving for a month is getting old. It's hard on all of us. I'm sick of being a single mom and my kids need their dad.
So hopefully this isn't too jumbled and sorry this is so long! It's almost 2 am and I'm tired, but I felt inspired to share this experience. Thanks for reading and remember that some of the hardest things in life are worth the struggle. : )
